You know..in case of an emergency, and the paramedics have to come and strip you down to your skivvies. Well, honestly they better be clean. They better be clean more for hygienic purposes. For the paramedics, lets just try not to wear the “laundry day” pair. You know the ones. They are worn looking, and faded. May have a mark or two from when you swear your period was over but clearly wasn’t. Seams are a little stretched out and they look like you have had them in your underwear drawer since junior year in high school. 11 years ago.
I think the idea behind “wear clean underwear”, is to always be ready for anything. I was once told by a wise woman to always get ready for the day first thing in the morning. Be ready to do anything. So if someone wants to meet me last minute, or I would have to run to the store, I would be ready. That woman was my mother in law and like most advice she gives me, well I don’t listen. I mean, it makes total sense. To be ready to take on the day before it starts. However, a normal morning for me does not allow time for showering, blow-drying and make-up applying. Not if I want to sleep that is.
For example I was woken this morning by cries coming from Joey’s room, walked in to find Mini staring at me from his chair as if to say, what the hell took you so long. Followed by demands for Alice in Wonderland, yogurt smoothies and a trip to the park. While feeding Joey and struggling just to get the coffee made. Where was time to shower? I would have to wake up at 5. Never going to happen.
So on any most day, in case of an emergency, the paramedics will find me in my pajamas. At 1pm. Whether or not my teeth are brushed is to be determined. One of my children will be dressed. Usually only one. My house will likely look like a bomb went off and the breakfast plates still may be on the table. Because Mini will flip out if I move her 6 hour old scrambled eggs, clearly because “I WAS STILL EATING THAT MAMA!” Hey, I would like to think the paramedics see worse. Maybe not though.
I always wondered what would happen if there was a true emergency while I was in a compromising position. Let’s go back to when I was pregnant. I would often (like 5 nights a week), get in the shower around Mini’s bathtime. Bring in a can of shaving cream or some bubbles and I could sit in there and relax for an hour while she played. Then bathe her and be done with it. One time though I started to have bad cramps. I laid there on the floor, in all my wet, naked, pregnant glory. I’m talking 8.5 months pregnant here people. Things didn’t look cute anymore. All of these visions were running through my head. I am in labor. I am going to deliver this baby in the shower with my toddler watching who will likely be scarred for life. I need to call Mike. Screw Mike, how is he going to help. I need to call 911. I can wait a few more minutes. Shit, it’s getting worse. My stomach hurts. Maybe I should call my mom. No, she will panic. Let me just lay here. What will happen if I do have to call 911. How will they get in the house. I can’t move. They will have to break down my front door. Like the SWAT team. Shit. How much will that cost to fix? Then they are going to come up the stairs with a stretcher, and find me curled up on the shower floor. In fetal position. Soaking wet. Mini running around me covered in shaving cream like Mowgli from the Jungle Book. Hopefully they send a woman in first. To throw a bed sheet over me, before they try to harpoon my ass out of here.
Made me realize I will never be ready for anything. Not until my kids are at least in kindergarten and I have a reason to have to leave my house in the morning. And even then I will likely be in pajama pants in the car line.
I often find myself in situations that would be a laughable story for a paramedic to go home to tell their spouse. I wear the scary undies pretty much all month because I suck at doing laundry. And honestly, unless we are leaving the house, Mini looks and acts a little like Mowgli.