I am training for my first half marathon.

::PAUSE::

::WAIT FOR LAUGHTER::

Are you all finished?

Ok.  I should start by saying I am being forced into this.  Semi-willingly.  I think it would be amazing to run a half marathon.  Or even run a mile.  It just feels so impossible.  I get out of breath running to the mailbox.  I think my body would only physically run if I was being chased by a monster, or if someone was dangling a slice of pepperoni pizza in front of me.

Today was day 1.

Assessment day.

I head out to the gym with Miss Mini in tow.  I go upstairs and of course it is PACKED.  I wanted a treadmill on the end.  Nope.  Dead center.  Sandwiched between a male Baywatch model and a pre-pubescent looking female college freshman.  I mean are 19 year old girls seriously that small??

My first thought was…Holy shit, my ass is going to jiggle.  It is fat, and it is going to jiggle with each single running step I take.  I am not doing this.  Nope.  No way.  No how.

But then I look 2 treadmills over.   There is a girl who easily weighs 180lbs.  And she is jogging.  For longer then 10 seconds.  And she is sweating.  And literally working her ass off.  And she is jiggling.  Everywhere.  And she clearly doesn’t give a shit.

So I ran.

Ass jiggling and all.

I did interval training for 2 miles.  Run 30 seconds, walk 30-60 seconds.  Depending on how I felt.  Sometimes I was able to push myself to run for 45 seconds.  Even 1 minutes a couple of times.  I listened to my body.  I pushed myself.  I walk/ran 14 min/miles.  Could have been better.  Could have been worse.  I did it.  I pushed myself to go to the gym and try.  After already working out at home during Mini’s nap.  After working a full day at my job.  After doing laundry and vacuuming.  I did it.

And I’m proud.

I don’t know if I actually will be able to run a half marathon.  But I’m sure going to try.

Now tell me.  Who wants to run ahead of me and dangle the pizza…???

This weekend Mini and I took one of our twice weekly Coscto runs.  Coscto is the closest store to us and I am wildly fascinated by giant tubs of applesauce.  Wildly.   I buy those giant tubs.  In packs of 3.   As an added bonus, Mini loves to walk the aisles of Costco.

My child is a free sample scouter.  At 2.  I won’t even eat the free samples at Costco.  And I am as cheap as they come.  You would think I would have interest in said “free lunch”.  However, the line of old people waiting for 2 crackers in a cupcake liner doesn’t do it for me.  (And I would much rather have a hotdog and diet coke for a buck fifty at their food court.)

However, I will say that my new Costco gives a great sample.  In a recent trip to Costco Mini was offered new Tyson Chicken Nuggets.   The bag said antibiotic free, white breast meat chicken so I said what the hell.  She jumped into the cart for her snack. She was happily munching away when, only an aisle later she was given an entire Chobani yogurt.  I admit I was shocked that the samples were so “full size”.  She had already eaten 2 nuggets and now was plowing her way through an entire yogurt.  You know I was thinking, WAHOO I DON”T HAVE TO MAKE HER DINNER!  Because the amount of food she ate sitting in that shopping cart was more then she eats in any sitting.  Thank you Costco for feeding my child dinner and allowing me to shop 2.5 aisles in peace.

Back to my story from this past weekend.  I was in Costco doing a regular food shopping and was about to check out when Mini started acting like the Tazmanian Devil.  So I grabbed her a sample of trail mix to keep her quiet while I paid.  I looked at the contents in the cupcake liner and saw a bunch of deliciousness that I knew she would like.  Dried cranberries, raisins, white chocolate chips, and an assortment of almonds and peanuts.

Ok so my daughter has had peanut butter.  She doesn’t eat it often because I don’t really think she likes it, but she has eaten it before.  She is not allergic to it. Therefore, I assume she is not allergic to nuts.  I let her start picking at her snack and check out.   As we are walking towards the exit Mini looks at me strange and starts to grab her neck.  { Mind you at this time I am currently digging through the bottom of my diaper bag for change so I can get a soda because I have no cash in my wallet and the food court doesn’t take Amex.  Got it?  I’m elbows deep in receipts, crayons and granola bar wrappers and Mini is sitting next to an empty cupcake liner which was 5 minutes before full of nuts and she is grabbing her throat. }

I panic.  I’m thinking holy shit balls don’t tell me this kid is allergic to nuts!!

“JULIANA ARE YOU OK!!”

She says “no”

Now she opens her mouth and starts clearing her throat, gagging and making a sound that I imagine comes from a baby T Rex.

I am officially freaking out and have stopped looking for change.  At this point a pepsi is last on the list of drinks I need.

I call my mother.

“MOM, CAN JULIANA BE ALLERGIC TO NUTS”

A little caught off guard..my mom says “What?! Nuts?  I don’t know!  I guess so!  What did she eat, what is she doing??”

Now that I have officially freaked out my mother, Mini looks at me with a straight face and says “eat?” while pointing to the line for hotdogs.

I now deem her ok for the minute, tell my mom to cancel the 911 call she was probably in the process of dialing and ignore the stares from the old people sitting at their table trying to enjoy their frozen yogurt in peace.  I get her out to the car and strap her in thinking ok, I live 2 minutes away and she hasn’t spazzed out in 4 minutes.  We can do this.  Now can someone explain to me why, when I am already freaked out even though my child is clearly not having an allergic reaction, she has to sit in her car seat and go bananas the entire way home.

Grunting, screaming for JUIICCEEEE, coughing, grabbing her throat etc.   Is she going to make me nuts for the rest of my life?  Haha get it.  Nuts?

This kid is going to drive me crazy.  With love and worry.  I wanted to look into carrying an epi-pen.  For those just in case moments, but I figure the amount of times Mini takes a bite of something and starts acting bizarre would lead to a lot of epi-misuse.

So what I conclude was a piece of a nut bothering her throat, because a) she didn’t swallow all the way or b) she was too excited she forgot to chew, had my heart pounding, sweat dripping, thoughts of don’t tell me this is happening right now.

Motherhood.  Never a dull moment.

On Memorial Day weekend our cars got broken into.  Our.  Mine and Mike’s.  And at least 4 others in my mother’s suburban neighborhood.  We were visiting family for the long weekend.  I never in my life thought that my mother’s neighborhood was unsafe.  It is not unsafe.  I lived in that house for 16 years.  The neighborhood is full of kids and pets.  Little league and ballerinas.  Young families starting out with young babies.  Older people who spend the days in their garden.  Houses don’t just get robbed there.  Cars don’t get burgalarized.  It is safe.

But I am wrong.

I hate to admit it, but nowhere feels safe.  While my family slept, someone went into my car.  Kneeled on my seat.  Ransacked my glove box.  Took my camera bag (because my hands were just too full to carry it in) and made out with my new Canon Rebel AND my Sony HD handycam.  They took my husbands IPOD right from his gym bag.   They took my neighbors Ipad, another neighbors son’s Ipod touches.  Some money.  Who knows what else they made out with that night.

I feel violated and devastated.  No one was hurt.  I thank god for that.  The things stolen can be replaced.  My pictures and videos are all backed up.  That is not the point.  A criminal has access to pictures of my daughter.  I pray he throws out the memory cards before he tries to sell them for a quick dollar.

I am uncomfortable that we live in such an unsafe world.  It is not fair that I look over my shoulder when I strap Mini in her carseat in the broad daylight in the Target parking lot.  It is not fair that I have anxiety walking to my car alone at night.  It is not fair that I look at everyone questionably, because the man that helped you cross the street just stole the Iphone out of your purse.  I feel bitter and sad that this is what the world has become.

My stolen items can be replaced.  I lost out on a lot of money and replacing them wasn’t exactly my thoughts for my next big purchase, but they can be replaced.  I learned a lesson.  You never think anything of leaving bags, diaper bags, shopping bags, etc in your car, until a thief wants to know what is in them.

Is it just me?? Am I the only one who feels as though the world is getting too unsafe?  Am I just a worrywart, anxiety ridden freak?  Am I the only one that wants to live in a castle on top of a hill with gates and police and alarm systems so I can have my babies in peace and not be scared of the world?  Tell me I’m not the only one.