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The truth about being pregnant

I can feel the light creeping in through the blinds.  Please no.  Not yet.  My head is throbbing.  I am starving.  No… nauseous.  No… starving.  I can’t decide.  I try to turn over but I cannot move.  I am frozen in place.  My arms feel dead.  Pins and needles.  I struggle to shake them.  I squeeze my eyes shut tight.  I can do this.  I can roll over.  On the mental count of 3, I heave my body over to lay on my other side.  My arms…they must have fallen off.  I can no longer feel them.  They are gone.  I have to pee.  Right now.  All of a sudden.  If I don’t move quick, I will pee in the bed.  No question.  I jump up.  I see black.  Dizzy, so dizzy.  I grab the nightstand and struggle to find balance.  I move as quickly as my jello legs will take me.  I sit on the toilet.  I can’t open my eyes.  I won’t open my eyes.  I have never peed so much in my entire life.  All of a sudden it hits me.  I am going to throw up.  Not just throw up.  Projectile vomit.  I look at the garbage.  Overflowing.  I flip over and grab the toilet seat.  What did I do last night…what did I drink?  Then I remember.  I am not hungover.  I did not drink.  I sat on the couch and ate 3 English muffins slathered in butter and still went to bed hungrier than a prima ballerina before her opening act.  I am not hungover.  I am pregnant.

Pregnancy is a lot of things.  It is the gift of life.  It is a miracle.  It is exciting…to create a life.  To carry that life within your body for nine months.  To nuture it.  To feel it grow.  To create another human being.  It is incredible.

It is also horrifying.  It is dramatic.  It is bizarre.  Things happen… strange things.  Not nice things.  Things you don’t expect.  Things no one warns you about.  Because if women were warned, the human race would not be growing as quickly.  That is a fact.

So while pregnant women like to paint the picture of bliss, I am here to tell you the truth.  They are lying.  It is flat out bullshit.  Want the truth?  The truth is they are mortified.  Embarrassed.  Shocked at what they are going through.  Even if it’s the 4th time.  A pregnant body will do the unthinkable.   The unimaginable.  I promise.  You will surprise yourself.

Pregnant woman aren’t safe from anything.  Just the other day I laughed at the doctor’s office so hard I peed on the chair.  Awesome.  I literally PEED ON THE CHAIR.  Which only made me laugh harder.  Pee more.  See the cycle?   I cannot be trusted to wear nice clothes.  Be more than 10 feet from a toilet.  Hear a funny joke.  There is no control.

I will never forget the day I thought I had to fart.  Ok, big deal.  So you fart, right?  Doesn’t matter that you’re in Disney World.  Eating dinner.  In a crowded place.  Everyone farts.  Well, little did I know, not everyone farts like a pregnant woman.  Tables shook.  Plates rattled.  People looked over in horror, half expecting to see a water buffalo tearing through the restaurant because there was just no possible way that came from a human.   My girlfriends were half stunned, half hysterical.   It was at that moment, 7 weeks pregnant with Mini that I realized I wasn’t safe.

That was only at 7 weeks.  Let me explain to you what the nine months are like:

Month 1:

You don’t know you’re pregnant yet.  And if you do, holy shit congratulations because you were seriously tracking that.

Month 2:

You find out you are pregnant.  You vomit from excitement.  You tell your husband and 100 of your closet friends.  Make everyone promise not to say a word.  Fall asleep.  Everywhere.  On everything.  Hopefully not your steering wheel, but I wouldn’t be surprised.  Oh and you announce that you are eating for 2.  Every time someone side-eye’s you for grabbing the 5th cookie.

Month 3:

You think of cute ways to announce to the 1143 friends on facebook that you never talk to that you are finally expecting.  Yay.  No one really cares.  They will “like” your status.  Stalk your photos.  Secretly hate you for gaining less weight, or shake their head in disgust when you start to blow up like a hippo.

Month 4:

You are finally feeling better.  You think you are out of the woods because you haven’t thrown up in 3 days.  Until you are at the grocery store and get a whiff of the deli counter.  So much for that.  When people ask how you are, you are fabulous.  You cannot admit to being the girl that is sick the entire time.  Hopefully your watery eyes and twitchy belly don’t give you away.  Run to the bathroom.    Run.

Month 5:

You really do feel better now.  You feel the baby kick.  So sweet and innocent.  For now.  You start to think about the nursery.  Scream at anyone who doesn’t like your color choices, furniture picks, or ideas for wall hangings.  Then you cry.  Why can’t everyone leave you alone.  So you take a long shower and think the whole time, “what the fuck is happening to me?”

Month 6:

You are seriously showing now.  Gone are the, “is she just really fat?” days…and now it is obvious that you are having a baby.  So what happens?  You get annoyed when people mention it, and offended when they don’t.  Baby’s kicks are getting harder now.  You can no longer breathe easily because the baby is getting bigger.  Sleep happens sometimes.  Not all the time.  And when it doesn’t, you will fill your long nights with anxiety and worry about everything from college tuition to shitting on the delivery table.

Month 7:

You are officially over being pregnant.  You went from cute to moose overnight.  You gained 10 lbs in 4 weeks and suffered the disapproving look from the nurse at the doctor’s office.  You have decisions to make.  Birth plans to write.  Screw it.  Wing it.  It won’t go as planned so don’t bother.  You are tired more, and sleep less.  You start to wonder if you will ever be comfortable again.  Oh…and ever wonder what the inside of your belly button looks like?  Now’s your chance to see.  Enjoy looking at that because you wont see your vagina for another 60 days.

Month 8:

You hate everyone.  And everything.  You are officially uncomfortable 98% of the time.  The other 2% is when you are eating chocolate chip cookies at the kitchen counter at 2am, but you are only comfortable then because you are distracted.  The baby’s kicks now feel like punches.  You are literally getting your ass kicked from the inside.  You officially have nothing to wear.  Start joking that you will be wrapping bed sheets around yourself to go to the store.  Only you know the truth, it is not a joke.  It’s a sad day when the bath towel doesn’t reach to close around your gigantic body.

Month 9:

You panic.  You need that baby out now.  Yesterday even.  You do research on how to speed this damn month along.  Raspberry tea.  Sex.  Bouncing ball.  Walking.  Stripping membranes.  Begging your doctor at every weekly.  Swearing the baby is ready.  Your body reaches a point of no return.  You need to be pushed out of bed and pulled off the couch.  You are a prisoner under a giant belly and the only thing that keeps you going is the thought of finally getting a cocktail when this is all over.

So you wanted the truth?  That’s the truth.  If anyone tells you different they are full of shit.  Or maybe they just forgot.  They say women forget.  That is why they have more than one child.  I am here today to remind you.  So, if you do decide to procreate, remember I warned you.  If anyone asks.. you are just fantastic.  But me?  I’ll know the truth.  So go for it.  Do it.  It is the miracle of life after all, and quite frankly…that fart…may secretly be the proudest moment of my life.

BabyJ

 

 

 

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177 Comments

  • Reply
    Hey Doll Cakes
    January 22, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    OMG that was awesome! I was in tears laughing so hard. I went through a little less then all that when I was pregnant. But that was awesome! Lol I will now be following you!

    Xoxo nikki

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 23, 2014 at 8:23 pm

      Thanks Nikki!

      • Reply
        Sarah
        March 13, 2015 at 3:06 am

        That is too much. I just read that and laughed to the point of peeing myself a little. I’m at 7 months now. You nailed it.

    • Reply
      Jo
      April 24, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      It is true! Every word! I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants the I began sobbing…Definitely the hormones

      • Reply
        Minismama
        May 2, 2014 at 3:17 pm

        Glad I made you laugh! 🙂

    • Reply
      latasha
      November 4, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      i loved it

  • Reply
    Megan
    January 23, 2014 at 11:10 am

    This just made my day! THANK YOU!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 23, 2014 at 8:24 pm

      You are so welcome!

  • Reply
    Jes Plumlee
    January 23, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    I’ve had an amazing pregnancy. No nausea, only gained 20 pounds, no cravings, other than sleepiness in my first trimester and the last couple of weeks I’ve had no negatives to being pregnant. I’m due in 10 days. I feel blessed, and never make a point to rub it in because I’ve had friends with horrible pregnancies… but feel like you made a point to say I’m full of shit. I’m not; I’m just genetically lucky and take pride in only putting healthy things in my body, exercising/stretching, and getting sleep.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 23, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Sounds like you are one of the lucky ones. Congratulations on your upcoming bundle! Hopefully my next is more like yours 🙂

      • Reply
        n/a
        February 12, 2014 at 11:56 am

        I’m with Jes. I also didn’t have any negative things to say about my pregnancy except for being very tired the first trimester and gaining 30lbs my entire pregnancy. I also delivered late and never wished for my baby to come out. I was ready when he was ready. BTW I am not full of shit either just lucky I guess.

    • Reply
      Briana Embree
      January 24, 2014 at 12:16 am

      You are one of the few exceptions. Enjoy it. My first pregnancy was a breeze. This one?

      Fuck this shit. LOL

      • Reply
        Minismama
        January 24, 2014 at 8:26 am

        It’s gotta end sometime right? That’s what I keep telling myself… lol

    • Reply
      Rolan
      January 24, 2014 at 9:56 am

      I agree.. I can’t relate to the article because I did not experience most of these difficulties. Not everyone gets morning sickness. The typical pregnancy issues I’ve had haven’t been that bad. That is not to say it’s been without stress.. I had some specific medical issues which have been quite stressful. Definitely not “full of shit” if we say it didn’t go this way or wasn’t that bad.. and didn’t forget either, because I’m still pregnant with just a month to go! In my case, month 9 is not about wishing the baby out but the opposite – afraid he will come out early! My point is every woman’s pregnancy is unique and we all experience different things, just like how every birth is different.

      • Reply
        a
        February 5, 2014 at 1:23 pm

        if you don’t agree with the article don’t waste your time reading it…Minismama it was hilarious! 🙂

    • Reply
      rrek
      January 31, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      I agree with you. I have had 2 kids and thing went great both times. Didn’t gain much, could fit in my regular jeans about a week after delivery. I wasn’t sick, and many times “forgot” I was pregnant until my belly got in the way of something. I still worked out everyday (which I think can make a HUGE difference!) This is a cute blog, and I know a lot of people who were puking and having a terrible time. Although it is common, its not every pregnancy. I enjoyed it and looking forward to having a third someday 🙂

    • Reply
      Mom of Three
      February 6, 2014 at 6:16 pm

      I had three pregnancies like Jes, never had morning sickness. Woke up nauseous once with my daughter, that was it and it was gone after I ate a cracker. Gained 20-25 pounds with all three and had easy deliveries (6 hours or less of labor). After my third baby my doctor told me I could have 10 pregnancies with no problem. I told him no thanks, I was done, but I found pregnancy wonderful. I felt great and loved it and I’m not full of shit either. I’m sorry for those who do not have good pregnancies, but not everyone is miserable. The worst part was having to pee all the time. 🙂 I try to be positive to newly pregnant women, I don’t want them to think it’s going to be horrible, because it isn’t always!

  • Reply
    Val
    January 23, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    This is hysterical! Thank you so much! Obsessed! NAILED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 23, 2014 at 8:25 pm

      Thank you!!

  • Reply
    Gracie
    January 23, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Being pregnant is the worst experience I’ve had in my life. Ok, maybe not but it was horrible. My mood was so bad I could not stand myself. Literally, I was mad at myself for being such a drama queen, an emotional wreck and a bitch. I was always hungry, people could not talk to me because everything got on my nerves. It didn’t matter who you were. I just hated you. I hated my body and my attitude. Sure, having a baby is the best thing that can happen to a woman, but in my opinion, those ten months are HELL, torture, misery, and well… you get the point.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 23, 2014 at 8:21 pm

      I feel ya. I have some rough days…as you read 🙂

    • Reply
      Elm
      March 9, 2014 at 6:04 am

      Totally agree.
      In my 4th month and it’s been hell, constant hunger, sickness and weeing, this is what my life has become.
      But I know it will be worth it, but bloody hard to remember that when feeling so shit.

  • Reply
    Sara
    January 23, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    Thank you! This is exactly how I am feeling. I hate it when people tell me they loved being pregnant…bull! Well I still have just under three months to go and am dreading it. The only thing I look forward to is feeling my little one move inside me…makes me know it’s all worth it in the end.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 23, 2014 at 11:06 pm

      You are welcome! Glad you enjoyed my honesty 🙂

    • Reply
      Helga
      February 3, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      But that’s just it…every pregnancy is different. I’m pregnant with my second now, due in 5 weeks, and still have yet to vomit. Even once. I have every other symptom, yes, just not even close to the extend she described here. And my first pregnancy? Absolute bliss. I have never felt healthier or sexier in my life! Only gained 5 lbs, and the only normal pregnancy thing that happened is sleepiness during the first trimester. I have no idea why, or what makes this pregnancy so different. I do know that it’s possible to feel amazing during pregnancy, though. I also know that the other extreme is possible, too, even though I’ve not experienced it. When my sister was pregnant with her first, she was sick literally the entire 9 months. It was the most horrible 9 months of her life. We had two very opposite extremes for our first, and both of us had middle ground for our second. So calling bull on people who have different experiences than you is useless.

      • Reply
        Jessica
        February 8, 2014 at 6:20 am

        She calls bullsh** for humor, not to offend anyone. I am sure the author, and all the rest of us pregnant ladies, are aware that there are some people who have easy pregnancies.

        But, for the sake of the tone of the article, she says it’s a lie. To be funny.

  • Reply
    samantha
    January 24, 2014 at 1:45 am

    This was seriously funny!! I was laughing out loud. 🙂

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 24, 2014 at 8:25 am

      Thanks Samantha!

  • Reply
    AnnaMontana
    January 24, 2014 at 2:33 am

    I literally read that this morning, as I’m sat in bed trying to figure out what I can wear today. I’m only 15 weeks, but according to EVERYONE ‘Pregnancy just doesn’t suit you, does it?’ I wish, wish, wish someone had told me about all the horrid stuff first!
    The constant, un-abating sickness. The nausea inducing headaches. The gas! Oh my god, the burping and farting near-constantly! The ‘no caffeine’, ‘yes caffeine’, ‘no alcohol’, ‘yes alcohol’ switch around that makes you dizzy. The heartburn. The indigestion. The random strangers who rub your belly – for luck or something – not realizing just how inappropriate that is!
    I would still have probably gotten pregnant (the hubby’s idea!) but at least I’d have known what to expect!
    Thank you so much, this is something I’m sending via e-mail to my friends/family. At least those who haven’t been pregnant (or claim, ‘it’s not that bad, you’re so over-dramatic’ or that they can’t remember – liars!) will understand why I’m so angry all the damn time!
    Thanks for the truth!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 24, 2014 at 8:25 am

      Well, next time a friend who said that gets pregnant for the first time feel free to print this post, stick it in a Congratulations card, and hand it to them with a body pillow and box of donuts.

  • Reply
    Danielle
    January 24, 2014 at 5:26 am

    OMG that was funny as!!! Can remember most, if not everything mentioned and so glad I’m done reproducing. I do have 3 beautiful kids but seriously you could not pay me enough to do it all over again!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 24, 2014 at 8:23 am

      Ha. I’m beginning to think 2 is going to be it for me 😉 Maybe I’ll forget and have a 3rd but I make no promises.

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    January 24, 2014 at 8:14 am

    OMG! I laughed so hard I cried! I remember much of that; my kids are now young adults so I’m hoping for no more pregnancies! 🙂 But I loved being pregnant, despite all of the crazy things that were going on with my body! I was the healthiest I had been at that point in my life. And creating the most wonderful children that walk the face of this earth….you can’t beat that. It’s all worth it! Hope you have a great pregnancy!!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 24, 2014 at 8:29 am

      Thank you Stephanie. 🙂

  • Reply
    Jenny
    January 24, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing you experience. My baby days are long gone BUT I remember the fun and not so fun experiences.
    My first pregnancy was the easiest even though I had “morning” sickness all day everyday until my 8th month. My second and third pregnancies included bed rest and premature labor on top of constant morning sickness and exhaustion. I choose to focus on the happy and exciting aspects of being pregnant although I will never forget how difficult it actually was.

  • Reply
    Kate
    January 24, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Haha! Oh thank goodness for someone else who I can relate to! 🙂 so many of the other mother’s I know LOVED their pregnancies! While I did enjoy feeling my babies grow and kick and I loved the excited anticipation of wondering what their little faces would look like and who they would be, the physical experience of being pregnant was miserable all three times! It is true, women DO forget what it was like, it is a trick of nature designed to keep us furthering our species or something! Each time I became pregnant with my second and third children it would suddenly all come flooding back to me….oh crap! haha

  • Reply
    Patricia
    January 24, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Love this this is how i felt the hole time i was pregnant it was awful

  • Reply
    Danielle
    January 24, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    Yes! This is my second pregnancy, just starting my third trimester. My son will turn two the day I am due. His pregnancy was fairly easy compared to this one. Or maybe I just forgot all the aches and pains. 🙂
    Oh, and the other night, when my inside baby, Ruthie, was finally not moving or kicking, I farted so loud she jumped and woke up. Oh, the joys of pregnancy!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 24, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      Haha! You’re in the final stretch! 🙂

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    January 24, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    I think this is ignorant granted pregnancy isn’t a walk in the park but this is just exaggeration and not funny either

    • Reply
      Hannah
      January 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm

      Ignorance is believing that all pregnancies are the same. I’m sure somewhere right now there is a pregnant woman who read this and laughed until she peed her pants. If you don’t see the humor, that is fine, but at least walk away from this article respecting the idea that pregnancy is different for every woman, and we need to be respectful of EVERY woman and her pregnancy and how it impacts her life, her body and her wellbeing. Respect is the key, not name calling.

      • Reply
        Jenn
        January 29, 2014 at 7:07 pm

        I am expecting my first child…. i am only nine weeks and have been so sick…. nausea 24/7 and even the Diclectin is not helping… i am fat already and emotional and sick and sooooooooooooooooooooooo tired….. but i know it will all be worth it : ) good article….

    • Reply
      Cass
      July 4, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      This is not an exaggeration from where I’m sitting 7 months pregnant going through, and having gone though, just about identical symptoms as described in this article.

      Pot, meet kettle.

  • Reply
    lovelight
    January 24, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Thanks so much. This was was so darn funny. I too think that SOME women are full of shit when it comes to pregnancy and motherhood. I did however have a overall great pregnancy. But had the common body pains and actually cried because Subway ran outta Tuna lol. Keep writing and being frank…the world needs you. Blessings.

  • Reply
    mnr
    January 24, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    Just remember to also be thankful to be able to get pregnant, stay pregnant & give birth to a beautiful child. There are many of us that pray every second of everyday to have morning sickness, to feel a baby kick inside of our belly, to gain weight, have our bodies change because of a child growing inside and to be able experience every moment of pregnancy the good, bad & the ugly! For everything in life that we all may take for granted remember their are others that would kill to be blessed with the very same thing we complain about.

  • Reply
    Kendra
    January 25, 2014 at 12:57 am

    This is spot on! I hated it and wanted that creature out! Hated it hated it hated it. BUT, I have three awesome kids that are turning into awesome human beings!!! That is the upside of the discomfort and the destruction of what, I have now realized, wasn’t a half bad body! My favorite is being beat up from the inside! never thought about it, but that is exactly right! Loved it thanks for sharing!

    PS. These are the reasons that I have three and not four! I could not bear doing it again!

  • Reply
    Erin
    January 25, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Yes. Just add in the part about the horrendous indigestion eating away at your vital organs, and the planning of outfits around the one pair of shoes you can get your feet in without help.

    Also, you do forget.

    I am 2 weeks away from no.2 and forgot to read my pregnancy diary from the first one before hand, which had written in giant bold letters on the first page – DON’T DO THIS AGAIN! Did I listen? No…

  • Reply
    Samantha P.
    January 25, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I remember most of that well. I did not have morning sickness with either pregnancy but the heartburn from day one made up for it. There were nights I laid in bed crying because my chest and throat were on fire. Nothing worked for it, not even the prescription meds from my doctor.

  • Reply
    Ldub
    January 25, 2014 at 8:18 am

    I 100% disagree with this entire thing! I had sore boobs, that’s it until the final 3 weeks when I swelled and my bp elevated. So while I do consider myself “one of the lucky ones” I don’t appreciate being called full of shit. Sometimes I think blogs like this make expecting moms panic more and even bring on some of the symptoms. I’m sympathetic to anyone experiencing a tough pregnancy as I have a friend going through one now, but I feel it’s more 50/50 now a days on what you’re going to get.

    • Reply
      Sloane
      January 26, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      It. Was. A. Joke. Meant to be funny. Why do people always take stuff like this so seriously?

  • Reply
    lindsay
    January 25, 2014 at 11:18 am

    You. Are. Awesome. Thank you for the laughs 🙂 Following. And for the record, I’ve had 4 kids haha. Thankfully, not so many horrific symptoms. Just a mantra “It’s ok to wear Depends” lol

  • Reply
    Jill
    January 25, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    I wouldn’t say I’m full of shit just because my pregnancy wasn’t like yours. I’m really not lying when I say that I loved being pregnant. Yes, I peed more, and I was tired, but I didn’t have morning sickness, didn’t gain a ton of weight, and had no medical issues. I’m sorry your pregnancy was rough. To be honest, I’m scared to death for my next pregnancy because I feel like I can’t possibly get that lucky twice. But, to say that those of us who were blessed with enjoyable/ easy pregnancies are lying, just isn’t true!

  • Reply
    Denise R.
    January 25, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Hilarious, and so true for me! I’m the mother of three, and I hated being pregnant. When I tell people this I generally get a look of shock, like enjoying pregnancy is a prerequisite to being a good mother. Thanks for sharing this. I’m looking forward to reading what you write next. 🙂

  • Reply
    Dawn
    January 25, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    You are so right! I was so angry with such a bad attitude during my pregnancy that I got fired from my job. Believe me, job hunting while you are pregnant is harder than being pregnant! Thanks for your honesty. I think most people sugar coat pregnancy. I hate it. And….I have not forgotten the 24 hours of labor with my first child. Or the pain. I will never forget.

  • Reply
    Brooke
    January 25, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    This is awesome, now can you tell the real deal horrors of breast feeding? Like how milk comes out in the most inconvenient times, not dripping, like a small fire hose…and how you feel like they’ll bust or pop off if you miss 1 feeding. Pleas tell folks about that too. I love your blog!

  • Reply
    Camille
    January 25, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    That was hilarious!! Sadly enough, it’s all true! Didn’t even need to be glorified to be funny, hahah.

  • Reply
    Becky
    January 25, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    I. Love. This. Seriously, it is hysterical and oh, so true. I despised being pregnant. I was literally sick every single day until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was ashamed at first, but by month 4, I was telling everyone I know how much I hated it. In fact, the entire reason that I started a blog is to tell people the truth about being pregnant (and being a Mom).

  • Reply
    Violet
    January 25, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    You forgot the constipation and hemorrhoids in the 8th & 9th months. Ugh! But thank you for the laughs and that triggering a Braxton Hicks contraction!

  • Reply
    Amber
    January 25, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    THIS. This is the blog post I’ve been looking for for the last 5 months.

    Holy CRAP this nailed it!

  • Reply
    Jonde
    January 25, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    I enjoyed this. I’m pregnant with my 5th. My first was a breeze, no issues except swelling in the ankles the last two months, the second I had vomiting for two weeks found out I was expecting the vomiting stopped and then a perfect pregnancy and delivery again. The third same with vomiting then at four months my hips started spreading and it was painful to get up or down from any position delivered a month early. The fourth, nausea but no vomiting for two months, hips spread, gas constantly, headaches all day everyday, couldn’t get her to come out and I was begging! So far this 5th has been the worst and I’m only 12 wks in. This will be it!!! I still love being preggo and being a mom but I’m too old for pregnancy now, time to stop. I really enjoyed this read, it was spot on I think for majority of women.

  • Reply
    J.R. LeMar
    January 25, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    I’m so glad men can’t get pregnant.

  • Reply
    MommyOf3Monsters
    January 26, 2014 at 11:18 am

    I must admit this was hilarious and I can honestly say I know what you mean.. I had 1 kid and it was such a freaking breeze(they broke my water while I was under medication) yessssss.. I had kid #2 she broke her own water almost had her totally natural(damn pain meds hadn’t kicked in fully yet).. I had kid #3 and that damn medication didn’t work to do nothing I felt it all and damn near bled out my life on that damn exam table.. Talk about near death.. I doubt I’ll do this shit again for a while(excuse the language).. That shit with the last one def wasn’t cool

  • Reply
    Sarah Preston
    January 26, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    This is absolutely wonderful! I experienced every bit of what you described, and a little more! I love my little girl, and I wouldn’t undo it if I could, but I actually had my tubes tied because I hated pregnancy so much. Lol.

  • Reply
    Valerie York
    January 26, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    I have had three children and with all three i was so sick I couldn’t stand being awake. First pregnancy: Nauseated from month two till month seven all hours I was awake. Second pregnancy: nauseated from end of month one till month six all hours I was awake. Third pregnancy: Nauseated from month one till month five all hours I was awake. With the second and third I was hospitalized a total of five times between them for dehydration, losing 20 pounds in a month from not being able to eat. Once the nauseousness was gone it WAS great as far as feelings of joy , baby movement, and being able to actually eat again. Of course there were the cramping of ligaments around the belly, heartburn, and the inability to take a comfortable deep breath. But I had fun with my growing belly too. Like at night as I lay on the couch with the remote control atop my mountaineers abdomen watching as the tiny little soccer player inside me kicked it about. And let us not forget what a perfect tv tray a pregnant belly makes for all those snacks (we’re eating for two remember) we like to enjoy. It was all worth it.

  • Reply
    desiree
    January 26, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    haha…almost 6 months pregnant with number 5 and aside from the peeing myself (that’s never happened) or seeing my bellybuttons insides (i guess it’s just an extreme innie) everything else was dead on! laughed so hard and yet felt so relived to be past those first 4 horrible months and hopefully never have to deal with any of that ever again!! Oh and i did know in the first month, actually 8 days after conception, not because i was tracking it but because I started vomiting that damn soon!! Ughhhh!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 26, 2014 at 10:30 pm

      You are lucky. My belly button pops out at like month 5. Yuck.

  • Reply
    Makenzie
    January 27, 2014 at 8:56 am

    I am one of the ones who is not having a great wonderful pregancy. I’ve only gained 5lb so far and I’m 31 weeks. It’s because I’ve been puking the entire time, I’m not talking just in the morning, or once or twice a day, I’m talking 3-5hrs at a time. My feet are swelling like balloons anytime I put them below my waist. If I had a normal job these symptoms wouldn’t be that bad. But being a paramedic, I’m sitting at home more than in my truck. My first pregancy was awesome, I was like oh I could do this a thousand more times….yeah not so much this time around. Two is a good round number for our family. I’m done after this!

  • Reply
    Nikki Franks
    January 27, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    I hate being pregnant. Ugh after my first kid, I’m like why did I do this again. Yes I eat healthy, workout, blah, blah, blah, I’m still keeled over the toilet on a daily basis spewing out the inside of my guts. Wahhh, can’t wait for this to be over, lol.

  • Reply
    Peggy
    January 27, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    Its so sad listening to you girl complain. We are so spoiled we can’t even enjoy the most precious experience in the world. Try having a miscarriage, or a stillborn for that matter, and lets see if you all feel the same.

    • Reply
      Jo
      January 30, 2014 at 1:10 pm

      Seriously, Peggy? Why are you even reading this if that’s the way you feel. There’s no law to say you can’t complain when you’re feeling like crap. It doesn’t make you ungrateful, it makes you honest.
      BTW, to wish a miscarriage or stillbirth on anyone so they can better appreciate the joys of pregnancy is horrendous – you should be ashamed of yourself.

      • Reply
        Theresa
        January 31, 2014 at 10:21 pm

        Thank you Jo. Peggy, as a woman that has had pregnancies that I carried through 40 weeks as well as one that ended as a miscarriage, I am truly saddened by your need to attack women who are sharing their experiences with other women that have had similar experiences. If you don’t like what you are reading, find something else on the internet to amuse yourself but don’t assume that just because we can laugh at our troubles we can’t sympathize with others that can’t have those experiences!

    • Reply
      Jess
      April 17, 2014 at 7:31 am

      Peggy ~

      I completely relate to the horrors of pregnancy, despite having 6 first trimester miscarriages and 3 preterm births at 20 weeks (yes, that makes 9 angel babies). My husband and I struggled for 10 years to finally have our miracle child. And now here I sit at 36 weeks preggo reading this blog laughing my ass off (and peeing a little) because it describes me to a T. I have every single symptom in this blog and had to remind myself daily how important this is. As my OB said – be careful what you wish for! I’m not saying I don’t enjoy having a baby, I’m just saying that the pregnancy thing sucks for me.
      This blog was not meant to bring judgement, but it seems many people commenting have passed judgement on those of us who are uncomfortable and unhappy through pregnancy. Everyone’s situation is different – and everyone has a right to their opinion. But to put someone else down because of that situation and opinion – not cool.

  • Reply
    Susan
    January 27, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Lol! With my first child I thought morning sickness was women being wimps. The 9 months flew by and I felt great the entire time! I gained enough weight to be birthing a cow, and lost it all before returning to work 6 weeks later. Labor was fast and easy. A dream pregnancy.
    Then I got pregnant with my second child & realized ‘morning’ sickness is a lie. I was sick 24/7 from day 1 to birthing. I had to get up at night to puke. I felt like crap, slept sitting up due to indigestion so bad my tongue burned, only gained 20 pounds (that hung around for months after she was born), and wanted to rip that precious bundle out of me.. piss on waiting for her to decide she was good and ready. It was 9 months of sheer hell. Everything hurt. Even my hair hurt. I scheduled my days around vomiting. I bought a new toothbrush almost everyday cuz they got puked on…daily. If I thought about food I puked. It could not end soon enough.
    And then I had my tubes tied. Piss on that. Never again. Ever.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 28, 2014 at 11:43 am

      Your hubby should have bought stock in colgate. I had lbs that hung out longer than I would have liked as well…

  • Reply
    J. Gulbransen
    January 27, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    Am I just hallucinating, or does that ultrasound pic look like a monkey???

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 28, 2014 at 11:42 am

      Hallucinating. 🙂

  • Reply
    jessica
    January 28, 2014 at 1:15 am

    Odd question but, did you do a post like this for what to expect when you give birth? I am pregnant with number one and can not seem to get honest answers from all my friends.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 28, 2014 at 11:41 am

      No one wants to tell the gory details huh? I’ll definitely be posting more about pregnancy and delivery. You can count on me for honesty.

  • Reply
    Shannon
    January 28, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Good points for sure!! While I didn’t experience all of the “bad” things you did, I definitely experienced a lot! I’m on my 5th pregnancy, yeah call me crazy!! LOL

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 28, 2014 at 11:41 am

      You’re crazy. 😉 I don’t know if I will ever get to 5. Or 3…haha.

  • Reply
    Kristi
    January 28, 2014 at 11:16 am

    OMG this is fricken hilarious! Kudos to you for being honest. I am currently pregnant. My period was out of whack due to getting off the pill so they first thought I was 7 weeks but now it turns out that I am 5 weeks. I was super excited if I was 7 weeks because then I was closer to getting out of the first trimester. But, now I am not! Grr. So far, knock on wood, no morning sickness. I have been super tired and already it is hard for me to sleep at night. My arms fall asleep and I get uncomfortable so much more easily. I will have to up date you when I am further along to let you know if I went through the same crap! Thanks for a good laugh! You should write a book on it lol!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 28, 2014 at 11:40 am

      Thanks for your sweet words!! Congratulations on your pregnancy! 🙂

  • Reply
    Lainey Alba
    January 28, 2014 at 11:48 am

    You didn’t mention the ridiculously itchy boobs & the fact that they grow at an alarming rate. I have gone from a B cup to a D in 4 months. I feel like I want to rip them off most days.. I have tried rubbing every kind of lotion, cream or gel there is on them. The worst is when they start itching while you’re out in public somewhere… like work.. or the grocery store. I can’t resist the urge to scratch them because they itch so freaking bad. I’m sure people wonder what the hell is wrong with me…lol. Nobody ever warned me about this serious problem, so I felt the need to spread the word.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 28, 2014 at 12:56 pm

      Oh how did I forget!! (As I sit here scratching!) Super annoying!!!

  • Reply
    Dr. Dina
    January 29, 2014 at 7:28 am

    OMG, hysterical! Instant Facebook “share”. 🙂
    Agree with Kristi – you should definitely write a book on this! Or at the least, submit for publication in a magazine.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 29, 2014 at 7:57 am

      Thank you! I am glad you liked it! 🙂

  • Reply
    Husband
    January 29, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Sniffle, sniffle, you whiny little baby makers! “Whoa is me, everyone come see how hard my live actually is….please come look” said no one ever with any dignity and self respect. But you nailed it on how hard pregnancy is. Try supporting them for the next 18 years. Boo Hoo

    • Reply
      Jo
      January 30, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      So you think a mother’s job stops with birth? Sad, deluded little man. And it’s woe, woe is me. Hate to burst your bubble but Minismama didn’t say that at all. She was just being honest about the effects that pregnancy has on her body and surprise, surprise, lots of other women have had the same experiences.
      I feel very sorry for the woman you impregnated. Not exactly a tower of strength and support, are you? Insensitive jerk…

    • Reply
      Theresa
      January 31, 2014 at 10:27 pm

      Husband, I don’t know what century you are stuck in but here in “modern” times, women more often than not share in the responsibility of supporting their children. As a husband I am surprised you were reading this story but if it bothered you so much, it would have been a lot easier to just go somewhere else on the internet than to show your caveman beliefs by attacking women that are sharing in a common experience.

    • Reply
      Jamie
      August 8, 2014 at 8:32 am

      Sounds like you got a paternity bill in the mail and are pissed. Notice, he uses the specific “18 years.” See, if he were a REAL dad, there would be no 18 years because he would be there forever until death. Isn’t that how family is? Real fathers and mothers don’t go away.

      No, he’s bitter because he’s being forced to pay.

  • Reply
    JWallace
    January 29, 2014 at 9:08 am

    My pregnancy was nothing like this. I did not show until a few weeks before my daughter was born. I had lots of energy and I got lots of sleep. The only part of this that is true is the nausea part and peeing the bed. I also didnt find out I was preggers till like the end either. When I went pregger shopping I had lost soo much weight I had to get a size under what I was. Not everyone has a pregancy like the one in this article.

  • Reply
    JANET M.
    January 29, 2014 at 11:13 am

    I found out about 12 to 14 weeks I was pregnant at the ripe age of 42!!! about fainted got weak, after an ultra sound to see the baby and reality setting in. I went and got my husband and he saw too. I heard the heartbeat which is a cool thing! not much morning sickness with mine. my husband and I both had the flu at the same time , his went away mine didn’t!! a co worker told me to go take a pee test she said I was pregnant. so, I did a home test and yes, positive!! then about 20 weeks had a amniocentisis test done and found out “she” was a perfect baby!! no abnormalities!! my girl is now a thriving 14 year old gymnast! that I cherish every day!!!

  • Reply
    Lynne
    January 29, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    This had me laughing so much my stomach hurt. The type of hysterical laughter that verges on bawling your eyes out crying!! Absolutely brilliant!!!!

  • Reply
    Laura B
    January 29, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Seriously people are upset about this?! Geez you can’t do anything without upsetting sensitive ass people. I for one LOVED it. My 1st pregnancy was easy, my current pregnancy sucks. Thanks for the laugh. Ignore all the comments from those that can’t take a joke.

  • Reply
    laidlaw4474
    January 29, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    Oh I have nearly forgotten what it was like to be pregnant ( I have 2 boys) since it has been over 22 yrs. now.
    But this so made me laugh and recall all that I went through….I think this was great and do agree that you need to write about breast feeding if you did breast feed. I did and Wow I can tell ya, some of the memories were funny and some were not!
    Thanks for the laughs!

  • Reply
    Christina
    January 29, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Month five….oh so accurate! Funny stuff and very true…

  • Reply
    Brandi
    January 29, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    This was so good! I’ve felt a mix of this with all three of my pregnancy. With the two boys the first half of this was so true, I was sick all the time, this last one I’m suffering through now only got bad in the middle of the second trimester. Seven months of carrying her and I’m already done I hurt so bad and no sleep sucks. Can’t wait till the end March so this is all over with.

  • Reply
    RaeAnn
    January 29, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    AMEN! I experienced all of that and more. Throw on constipation, plantar fascitis and tendinitis in BOTH feet from 26 weeks on, and gestational diabetes – insulin dependent. On top of all of that…I am a labor and delivery nurse. But despite knowing what I was getting into, and having a miserable pregnancy, I would do it all again. My daughter is worth all of it!

  • Reply
    Melissa
    January 30, 2014 at 8:39 am

    I have had a mostly great pregnancy, no hating people, no extreme moodiness. Currently 39+4…
    My only big issue has been HG, the whole, puking the entire time you are pregnant. On the plus, because of HG, I have only gained a bit over 10 lbs now.
    But otherwise, I’m not horribly uncomfortable, i can get up on my own (and I do have a big belly!)
    Everyone’s experience really is very different. Even with the HG, I can’t wait to have a second! Hubby and I have decided to wait at least 2 years though.

  • Reply
    Maxine
    January 30, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    It’s not that some people are full of shit it’s just that everyone’s different. Mine so far hasn’t been anything like this (touch wood) lol luckily I’ve had no sickness, cravings, mood swings or anything I’ve needed the toilet a lot more often and I feel like I can’t be bothered to do anything but other than that I’ve barely felt pregnant I’m enjoying my pregnancy so far but then again I’m only nearly 3 and a half months so there’s a lot that could still happen haha.

  • Reply
    Bob Dover
    January 30, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    I think it’s obvious that the author doesn’t actually mean people who do not have the exact symptoms are “full of shit”…it’s obvious that she is using it as a rhetorical device for effect more than trying to self-righteously project her experience onto other mothers.

    it is more likely that she recognizes the experience between women is the same in a lot of ways, but different in others and tried to point out the more common ones.

    people are being too sensitive and are taking it too literally.

    in the end, she is simply telling her story in a way that is both realistic and entertaining, but at the same time applauding mothers everywhere for going through with it…because, in the end “that fart…may secretly be the proudest moment of my life.”

  • Reply
    Beth McCarty
    January 31, 2014 at 8:16 am

    HYSTERICAL!!!! Very honest and well written from a Mommy’s perspective!!! And I agree, if someone had told me all those things up front, who knows…. LOL I have two daughters, oldest one is 19, youngest is 16. I thank them all the time for being the reason that I can’t sneeze, cough or laugh really hard without peeing myself!!!! And THAT never ends.
    Enjoy your new baby when he/she is born. And for the record, we never ‘forget’ what we went through, oh it’s all there in the corners of our mind! 😀

    Happy Friday.

  • Reply
    Theresa
    January 31, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    I loved this! Its refreshing to see a woman tell the honest truth. My first pregnancy was “morning” sickness until the 6th month. I had urinary tract infections so bad that the first 2 I thought were miscarriages. Oh and the humiliation of having a yeast infection when you are so pregnant you can’t reach past your belly and your husband has to administer the cure for you. Add to that an emergency C-section after 96 hours of labor and it’s a wonder I had a second child. 🙂 I must have been crazy (yet my only issue with the second pregnancy was being overdue and doing whatever I could to bring on the labor)

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 31, 2014 at 11:29 pm

      Ha, now you have me laughing. “Administer the cure”…omg! You poor thing! I am amazed you had a second too! 🙂

  • Reply
    Kate
    February 1, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    I’m 10 weeks pregnant, had a really rough morning and needed this laugh so badly! THANK YOU!!!!!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      February 1, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      You are welcome! Hang in there. 10 down, 30 to go. It will go faster than you think 🙂

  • Reply
    Amanda
    February 1, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    For all you women who had great pregnancies and aren’t full of shit, congratulations. Leave the rest of us alone and let us just commiserate in our own way. Go read another blog about your perfect lives while we puke and pee accidentally and manage to laugh about it. I loved this post, thank you!

    • Reply
      Lydia
      February 4, 2014 at 2:10 pm

      HAHAHAHA this is great! Thanks for saying what all of us non perfect pregnancy ladies were thinking! 🙂

  • Reply
    Nicole
    February 1, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    My first pregnancy was nothing like this, however, this still made me laugh. I had absolutely no morning sickness, but I did have a lot of headaches in my first trimester. I had no unusual cravings, did not eat like a hog and slept well (for the most part). I did have the urge to pee a lot (which I think s unavoidable), I was slightly more emotional than normal, and I wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME. I didn’t start gaining weight until I was 5 months along and I gained about 15 pounds. Since my daughter came 2 months early, I never got the huge belly. My pregnancy was pretty smooth until I developed HELLP syndrome. Up until that point, I considered myself one of the lucky ones 🙂

  • Reply
    StayCie
    February 2, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I seriously have to say THANK YOU! People DO NOT warn you when you become pregnant all the effin bullshit that happens. My daughter, a surprise……a 5 week, at the hospital with an asthma attack, doctor took blood, and OH BTW guess what your pregnant! Shocked and awed……..BAM! I will be the first to tell anyone BEING PREGNANT sucks major ass! Now, don’t take that the wrong way, I LOVE my daughter, loved feeling her kick and hiccup, BUT that’s about it! Having to pee every 30 mins, laughing or coughing so hard you pee, being completely indecisive on EVERYTHING, craving and eating 2 jars of pickles in one week, cereal, and McDonalds. Leaky boobs, muscles hurt, head feels like it cant complete a damn sentence with out a “squirrel” moment. Being punched/kicked in the bladder so hard you pee, and then you get cleaned up and sit down just right, and oohhh thank you body for now actually needing to pee and I have just sat down….. would I change my experience? HELL NO! But am I having another – FUCK NO! My body is closed for business. I hope that everyone will take what I have said and laugh. Just remember, I told ya so! LMAO

  • Reply
    Fertile Womb Seeks Potential Surrogacy Opportunities | The Reluctant Mommy
    February 2, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    […] Zofran to my doorstep with pitchforks and raging emotions. (If you dont believe how lucky I am, this hilarious blog outlines the more common pregnancy experience). But before you get too jealous, remember this gem. “God only gives you as much as you can […]

  • Reply
    Lydia
    February 4, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Thank you! I am in month 7 of my 2nd pregnancy and you hit the nail on the head! Bless these lucky women who have easy pregnancies! It is a shame we can’t all breeze on through but I am with you 100% on these 9 truths! Thanks for the laugh.

  • Reply
    Natalie
    February 4, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    This was me. I can tell you the best and worst foods to throw up. I didn’t forget, which may be why I only had one! This is terrific.

  • Reply
    Melissa
    February 5, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    This made me laugh! Okay girls, no need to attack! She was just saying for those women who say its all “perfect” leaving out the other details we forget to mention when talking to our new pregnant best friend in hopes not to scare her 😉 She’s right. My first pregnancy was great, with some mishaps… but over all a cool experience. But my second one was… well… quite the experience. haha My daughter gave me hell from day one and although I love being pregnant I don’t hold back the crazy details. My son, now that was fun, but I still had days of fears and stress… more then an everyday normal life. So I agree, pregnancy isn’t all that grand even if its “perfect” in your own eyes… its just perfect for you. But don’t chalk it up to someone who may not have had the same luck as you have… Just be humble and know you are one in a million and thank the good Lord for your experience. Congrats to you all expecting and remember… your story is a ONE AND ONLY…. so don’t be afraid to share it, even the dirty details! 😉 ~Melissa <3

  • Reply
    Cheryl
    February 6, 2014 at 9:12 am

    OMG this article is fantastic and super funny! As a mom of 4 children, and naturally birthing all 4, I certainly can attest to some of these facts. I didn’t suffer from all the same things during my pregnancies but it was an awesome read! Thanks for the laugh 😀

  • Reply
    Rae
    February 10, 2014 at 9:45 am

    EXACTLY! Tomorrow marks 40 weeks and no dilating, mucus plug in tact. Just lovely Braxton Hicks, “Morning sickness” (why do they call it that? “morning”, when it comes at all hours of the day?!) that never went away, and unable to walk due to numbness in my legs. I’m so crabby people step out of my way when I come in their path. People keep asking, don’t you just love it?! What’s your favorite part? I blink, I stare..you’re kidding right?? Uhm my favorite part is when the child comes out.

  • Reply
    Michelle L
    February 13, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    I loved this article! It was funny and very true for a lot of women. My first two pregnancies were awesome! I was a little sick for the first month, but then nothing else. On my first one, no one knew I was even pregnant until I was almost 9 months along. My second I looked like I had stuck a basketball up my shirt. My third was horrible. I was incredibly sick the whole time, in and out of the hospital having to get fluids cause I was so dehydrated and I looked like I had a basketball up my shirt again. My fourth and fifth (yes I am crazy), were miserable the whole time. Weird things happened that I was too embarrassed to even tell my husband or doctor about. I was huge and my back hurt. I never gained a lot of weight with any, but I sure looked like I did. I also never wanted my kid out in the ninth month either cause I knew once they were out I had a little baby to take care of, so even though I was miserable I didn’t want them out either, until my fifth, I did want her to come out very badly. I don’t know why all of mine were different, but I have had both good and bad. But it is all worth it when you get that precious little baby in your arms. I would do it again (when I forget how miserable I was).

  • Reply
    lauren
    February 18, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    so funny! made me laugh harder than you know. i was the “blissful” one with my first. then labor, then real life, then pregnancy number two. it is still amazing to me what our bodies do, but this pregnancy, completely different. much more like the rendition you shared here 😉 i’ve had a cold for 2 months, every time and i mean every time i cough too hard its followed by “awww really?” i’ve peed my pants. we are a beautiful mess us moms, wives and pregos. thanks for writing!! love reading

  • Reply
    Pieter
    March 18, 2014 at 4:58 am

    Very good written. I can related to all the good and bad that goes with a pregnancy.

  • Reply
    Stacy
    March 27, 2014 at 10:14 am

    THANK YOU! I absolutely love this. I am not alone! God I hope at Month 5 I do start to feel a little better, even if it is only for the month!

  • Reply
    Eliza
    April 9, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Pregnancy is so different for everyone. I’m sorry you’re having a rough go, but I hope new mothers-to-be don’t read this and think their lives are over. I’m 38 weeks and had a really tough and pukey first trimester. Since then, I’ve felt really good. I know I am lucky because I have seen my sister go through 9 months of morning sickness and round ligament pain. But truly, aside from being a little tired and looking like I shoved a watermelon up my shirt, I feel pretty much the same as always… though I do find myself justifying another scoop of chocolate ice cream 🙂

    So, new mothers-to-be? There’s certainly hope. Enjoy it! Any time I find myself getting down in the dumps about pregnancy (missing my favorite dress or just freaking out about labor), I remind myself of a quote I read a few months back: This time is fleeting. This time is beautiful.

  • Reply
    Tanya
    April 17, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    In my 7th month now and I’m definitely at the point where I’m ready to be done. I was nodding my head and smiling in agreement to everything you said.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      May 2, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      Congratulations!

  • Reply
    Mandy
    April 29, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Needed this. I am almost 10 weeks with my first and feel terrified and like a complete failure because I’ve been so miserable. All day/night sickness started at 6 weeks and has gotten worse. Diagnosed with HG over the weekend at the hospital. I am so scared that it is not going to get better. I can’t deal with 9 months of this. Wanted to be pregnant so bad and we tried for a long time; I feel so hypocritical. Always wanted a large family (maybe like 4 kids) but now I feel like I don’t ever want to be pregnant again. All I want is to feel well enough to be happy about being pregnant and excited for the baby. Feel like I am robbing my husband of his happiness too. Many women with many kids between our two families and never heard a peep about any of them having a difficult pregnancy. Feel like the black sheep!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      May 2, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      Oh no, hang in there! I definitely had good weeks and bad weeks. In fact, I remember being miserably exhausted and run down until about week 14. I was also dizzy the entire pregnancy. You will have better weeks, promise! Congratulations! I know it’s so hard to see the end from where you are but it is so worth it, and soon you will forget all of this 🙂 Remember, you are not alone in how you are feeling.

    • Reply
      Kate
      May 14, 2014 at 5:46 am

      I am currently 13 weeks and have been the same, guilt over being so miserable and not excited for this little life. Dreading the next day, week, month because I have no idea how I will get through today let alone the rest of my pregnancy. At almost 14 weeks I am having less bad days than before, still struggling but there is a light at the end of the tunnel – I HOPE.
      good luck to you, I hope it gets better
      Xx Kate

      • Reply
        Minismama
        May 14, 2014 at 10:25 am

        There is definitely a light at the end. I promise. It’s going to get better..and then worse again. Hang in there. It’s totally worth it! Congrats!

    • Reply
      corina
      January 30, 2015 at 4:51 pm

      I had hypermesisis Gravidorium for almost 5 months and now I’m 25.5 weeks or 6 and a half months..and I had it sooo bad I couldn’t keep nothing down and couldn’t work and still have bad days prob 3-5 out of 7 but it’s not quite as bad…I couldn’t even take vitamins and now if u read mine below I also have gestational on the bounds of needing to take insulin and I have a low laying placenta hopefully moves up by 28 weeks this is my 5th pregnancy 3 baby…I’m still hoping will get better this is our last one…Good luck u will have better days 🙂

  • Reply
    Heidi-Marie
    May 6, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    That was awesome…laughed so hard I pee’d.

  • Reply
    rachell b.
    May 19, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Thank you for writting such an honest opinion article. I want to show this to everyone i know….. so they can understand exactly what i am going through. You have nailed it completely for me. Thank you thank you thank you.

  • Reply
    EricaM
    June 7, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    This is AWESOME! Loved how honest you were. Now I feel like a normal pregnant chick LOL

  • Reply
    vini
    August 1, 2014 at 6:55 am

    you have nailed it … this is exactly what i am going through, one HELL of a nightmare

  • Reply
    Juanita
    August 7, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    I want to punch the women who had “perfect pregnancies “square in the face.

    • Reply
      Aysha
      January 21, 2015 at 8:47 am

      HA. Yes.

  • Reply
    Jamie
    August 8, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Symptoms began at about weeks for me, too. This is week 9 and I’m miserable. And I was just thinking about all the women who said it was wonderful, bonding and all that stuff…totally neglecting to mention all the misery. No, it’s just food and you gain weight – and it’s okay cuz you’re prego.

    No, it sucks. And as someone who’s never weighed more than 145 (I’m 5 ft 8, so this is very thin), it feels like my skin is a pair of really tight jeans. It feels as though, if I lean the wrong way, my entire side will split and my guts will fall out. My whole body is in pain.

    All I can think is: what a bunch of liars. My whole life, all of them. So I Googled women are liars, and this article came up.

    Anyway, it was definitely nice to read what REALLY goes on during pregnancy. Because really, even the bad parts about pregnancy are seriously understated. Like I just pulled up an article with 10 things to hate about being pregnant. Nothing on that list even came close to what you went through, or what I’m going through.

    Anyway, thanks! That’s my rant for the morning. I feel like killing myself, seriously.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      August 9, 2014 at 9:20 pm

      I love how you google-found me by searching women are liars. You are welcome to hang out here and vent anytime. Joey is 5 months and I still remember how bad it sucked. I haven’t forgotten just yet. Oh and I really hope your skin doesn’t burst open 🙁

  • Reply
    Beth
    August 29, 2014 at 11:49 am

    I know this is an older post, but I had to comment. Boy do I agree- and you left out a few things Miss Minismom ;). Horrid taste in mouth, drooling like there’s no tomorrow, constipation from those cursed pre-natals, crying during band-aid commercials and much less, horrific nipple pain… Wanting to punch women who ask about your pregnancy just so they can interrupt you to tell you endless stories about theirs… That you don’t want to hear. Ugh. Every bad thing may be magnified when it was all unplanned, too. But thanks for the read. In a twisted way it was comforting and encouraging.

  • Reply
    lisa
    September 10, 2014 at 5:55 am

    I am 29 weeks pregnant with my first and have finally admitted that I am not enjoying being pregnant. This was a bit of an emotional realisation, so to come across this post was wonderful and I laughed my arse off, at my desk, at work, cried a bit too and feel so much better for it. I know some women love this ‘magical time’, i’m not one of them and i’m so relieved i’m not alone. Thank you, thank you thank you for your honestly and for making me laugh – hard!

  • Reply
    FTM
    October 1, 2014 at 12:40 am

    Cue all the women who skated through their pregnancies who don’t understand what all the fuss is about or the women who are offended because you should just be thankful. This was hilariously spot on and perfect for many of us. Of course, you should be thankful, but it downright disingenuous to pretend it’s all roses when it really can be hell for some. Please take your sanctimommy judgements about this (and really anything having to do with others’ pregnancies or motherhood) and just keep them to yourself. If one more person sadistically says “Welcome to motherhood” when they hear any of the negative symptoms…grrrrrr. As for the author of this piece: perfect! Thank you for sharing one of the few honest and humorous pieces out there NOT painting pregnancy as all rainbows and butterflies.

  • Reply
    mommy2be
    October 3, 2014 at 5:32 am

    with my first I had none of that!! I was really lucky. I only started to show around 6-7months, but my second bundle of joy gave me he shock of my life! I’m 9weeks now ALREADY starting to show and OMW its everything I didn’t have the first time! I even cry on action comedy’s not to mention the morning sickness and EVERYTHING else! I love my baby but I wish I could take all the negative parts of pregnancy away!!!!

  • Reply
    Ashley
    November 8, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    9 weeks pregnant and laughed so hard I cried reading this. Thank you! 🙂

    • Reply
      Minismama
      November 9, 2014 at 8:47 am

      Congratulations! 31 weeks to go 🙂

  • Reply
    The Reality About Being Pregnant | Life Lovers
    November 25, 2014 at 12:23 am

    […] The Reality About Being Pregnant […]

  • Reply
    Sophie Carter
    December 10, 2014 at 7:03 am

    oh jeez. I havent told many people yet as I am only 8 weeks and haven’t had a scan, but if I hadn’t peed on 6 sticks and realised what was going on, i honestly would be worried for my life, as i feel like i’m dying. I can’t go 30 mins without peeing or puking.. I feel like a walking zombie, and apart from you, people have lied..oh it will get better my mum says…. But now I know…now I know…this kid best be cute! ha

    Thanks for this x

  • Reply
    ricki
    December 27, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    That is exactly how my pregnancy went to the t. Some people enjoy peing pregnant but most women done. But i absolutly love the outcome of holding my little one afte . The long 9 months. Heck i did it twice. But great article!

  • Reply
    Aysha
    January 21, 2015 at 8:51 am

    I laughed out loud, and felt relieved reading this! I felt bad saying that it SUCKS being pregnant.. but I have come to terms with it! (and apparently I have already forgotten the absolute HELL that was the first 22 weeks, as I distinctly remember telling hubby that next time we are adopting.. and now we are talking about having another.)

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 30, 2015 at 11:12 pm

      Isn’t it so crazy how we forget? The other day I had baby fever, and literally asked someone to slap me.

  • Reply
    corina
    January 30, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    This is my 5th pregnancy 3rd baby…I went from 1st gestational almost 300 pounds and jaundice and Nicu dry baby to 2nd. Over 400 pounds gestational she had reflux disorder. .to this pregnancy hmm where start: hypermesisis Gravidorium, then now on the bounds of insulin gestational, low laying placenta and oh today went washroom got up had a puke burp and couldn’t breathe till I drank water? Anyone else experience these things or am I one and only? Today was darn scary felt burning in throat for at least 10 min wow

    • Reply
      corina
      January 30, 2015 at 4:37 pm

      Oh sorry I’m 25 and a half weeks pregnant with another girl will are 1 boy and 2 girls

    • Reply
      Minismama
      January 30, 2015 at 11:11 pm

      Hang in there! Congratulations 🙂

  • Reply
    alezis
    February 28, 2015 at 11:45 pm

    I just can accross your blog and wanted to say thank you! It was hilarious and so wonderful that somebody finally says it. It might be my pregnacy hormones taking but I really hate ask those women who felt the need to mention how great their pregnancies are. I really want to punch glowing pregnant people bragging about how great they feel while I am consistantly a shade of green.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      March 2, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      Thank you for reading! It sucks and those women aren’t glowing. That’s sweat. 😉

  • Reply
    Erin
    May 1, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    This was amazing! I’m 32 weeks with my first and I was laughing so hard I was tearing (and promptly had to pee)! Some women can attest to this and others can’t….no need for some of the lucky ones to get in a huff because they are said to be “full of shit”. Take it with a grain of salt….it’s a joke! We’re all different! It’s like when I see the cute little videos trying to tell my about my little “angel” in my womb who will be my sun, moon and stars….in the meantime, he’s a badass ninja showing my insides who’s boss….particularly my bladder. I roll my eyes at the glowing mother or mother to be who is smiling from ear to ear, but in the end, I know I’ll be beaming just the same when I meet my lil man 🙂 Great post that maybe some “sensitive Sally’s” just shouldn’t have read.

  • Reply
    Shalese
    June 19, 2015 at 12:16 am

    Best thing ever!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      June 21, 2015 at 8:34 am

      Thank you 🙂

  • Reply
    Rachel
    June 20, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    Was feeling really down today till I read this I laughed so hard I peed a little 5 1/2 months and counting x

    • Reply
      Biljana
      June 22, 2015 at 2:15 pm

      I am 17 weeks pregnant with twins, and this is my first and last time. The most difficult experience in my life. And I have 1 miscarriage and this pregnancy is a result of 4th time IVF. I also have a excessive salivation and I spit in a cup. And horrible heartburn. Need this to be over.

  • Reply
    jen
    June 26, 2015 at 1:45 am

    I am almost 38 weeks pregnant, and I have to say this was spot on to my experience, except I can add more to it lol. Carpal tunnel in both wrist, extremely bad acid reflux, acne, swollen feet and hands, sleep? What’s that? But thank god I’m healthy as can be and extremely happy about my baby girl. Pregnancy does suck for a lot of women. To the ones commenting about their amazing experience GOOD for you, click off the page it’s not meant for you then. Geez. Some of us aren’t so fortunate. I just went to Walmart and could barely walk, I have a lot of pain in my groin and feel like my baby could fall out at anytime. I think this post was really funny and I can totally relate!

    • Reply
      Minismama
      June 29, 2015 at 1:41 pm

      Thank you! I agree, this post isn’t for those just “floating gracefully” through pregnancy haha. They just wont understand. I had a healthy pregnancy and am so grateful for that, but MAN was it SO uncomfortable! Hang in there, you are almost at the end!!

  • Reply
    Mina's Mommy
    July 3, 2015 at 8:28 pm

    I swear you hit the nail on the head…. I have an 8 yr old & a 9 yr old and currently 22 weeks pregnant….

    Seeing that I had my first 2 children @ 20 & 21… And being an 8 year gap between the last one & the new one.. It is totally possible that I forgot how horrible being pregnant is… But I swear the first 2 were a breeze… This one on the other hand… Was hand crafted in hell!!! I can’t wait for it to be over!!!

  • Reply
    Stacy
    July 5, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    I needed this laugh so bad. I’m going into my tenth week of unplanned misery, and I’m so sick of reading about how amazing it is. I needed to hear the real-ness of it so I don’t feel alone. It’s really like your body is hijacked. I definitely fall asleep on everything and want to throw up on everything.

  • Reply
    Deidre McAdams
    July 31, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    I started reading this and was laughing soo hard… I kept reading, my laughter turned into a melt down… I seriously balled through almost the entire thing… I still cant stop crying because as happy as I am to be pregnant and to be having my second child…. I AM MISERABLE!!! My poisonous farts keep my husband away from me, Im feeling extremely hungover at the moment, iv been sick for weeks now. AND ITS JUST THE BEGINNING!! Non of my clothes fit, I havnt slept without getting up 4-5 times a night in two weeks now ( and probably wont have a full nights sleep for another 3 years). AND I cant talk to anyone about it because they all just say… but your so lucky to be pregnant, it will be worth it in the end…. YES it will be worth it in the end… but im not there yet… Im here… feeling emotionally and physically uncontrollable!

  • Reply
    Tiffany Williams
    September 29, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    Omg, u nailed it. So funny & true.

  • Reply
    Brittany Funk
    October 28, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    Omg this was the best thing I have read in a while! Thank you for the raw honesty about pregnancy because you nailed it.

  • Reply
    Billie
    November 2, 2015 at 11:46 am

    This was shared on my friend’s FB page…I’m so glad I was FB stalking in the middle of the night…while I am being deprived of comfort and sleep!
    I am 36 weeks pregnant with baby #2. Had my first at 22 and now damn near 8 years later I get the great idea to have another. This pregnancy is pay back for how incredibly easy I had it the first time. Your blog is hilariously accurate, unfortunately, I really don’t know there is ANY way to do justice in describing the misery this journey encompasses. How people keep having children…and so close together, will always be a mystery to me. I can’t tell my husband nor anybody else enough how incredibly wretched I feel. I find myself venting to other women and I get this deer in the headlights look like I’m just so dramatic (mainly the older ones). They all have multiples and probably want to tell me to just suck it up…but I cant. I just keep talking as if they REALLY don’t get it…but they do. They just suffered in silence. Not me. I swear I need a chiropractor and a catheter…and very, very strong narcotics to make it through this last month. I absolutely LOVE hearing, “you have how much farther?!” or “are you sure there’s only one in there?!”… always pleasant because you already know your ginormous and look like you should’ve popped 2 months ago. My favorite is when a guy thinks he is allowed to make ANY comment outside of “congratulations!”
    I can’t walk flat footed, I can’t stand up straight…and OH! that dreadful pain when you stand up first thing in the morning and your feet have to adjust to all that weight you have put on in a short 3-4 months! The weather is getting cooler….just around the time I can’t wear real shoes anymore. My flip flops hardly fit over my ever so swollen feet. I am by no means unhealthy and my pregnancy is a healthy one at that. So, to all the women who handle pregnancy better, I’m happy for you…but it’s not always about “good diet and exercise”…sometimes we just draw the short end of the stick. I find myself eating SPOONFULS of mustard to keep the heartburn at bay…since an entire bottle of tums never seemed to work but I ate them all anyway because they became more of a snack than a remedy.
    Ok…I’m done. I need my own blog for this kind of stuff, because I’m really not done but I know this is your spot light! Lol 😉
    GREAT read….GREAT comments…I’ve read it numerous times, each time I find myself laughing out loud and I even forwarded to my husband so he would know I’m not making this shit up! Here’s to remembering next time. 🙂

  • Reply
    Cait
    December 14, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Soooo true! I’d add a section for month 10, when you’re overdue. An old man at the mechanics told me I looked big enough to be carrying twins. He is lucky he was old and behind the counter. He did get my death stare though. People at the grocery store ask when you are due. Three days ago. Well have you tried… Really? You think I haven’t read every single webpage on the Internet and tried every last weird thing? Are you worried about the baby being really big since she’s late? No, the thought had never crossed my mind, thanks for freaking me out more. Family calling every day to see if there is any news (my husband wasn’t even immune to this one) and having to explain for the millionth time that no news is no news and we will not forget to tell you when the baby comes. Facebook “friends” sending messages with advice and wondering if the baby has come. And then once your overdue, giant baby finally comes, no one cares anymore.

    I told my husband we are telling everyone I’m due a month after my actual due date next time to avoid all this. And putting nothing on Facebook.

  • Reply
    Melissa Fields
    December 14, 2015 at 9:36 am

    What a negative post with unnecessary profanity! Many women can’t even carry babies full-term, and this is the spin you chose to put on pregnancy? Wow! How sad. I thank God I was able to go through it all (pregnancy), and birth a healthy, happy, handsome little boy. I would not think twice about doing it all over again. Swollen ankles, puking, backaches, sleepless nights… Yup! I thank God often for all of this. 🙂 Wake up people.

  • Reply
    Melissa Fields
    December 14, 2015 at 9:40 am

    I get that “it’s a joke,” but it’s no laughing matter to hear about women struggling mentally and physically because they can’t even conceive. Breaks my heart.

    • Reply
      PreggersinTn
      July 6, 2016 at 1:22 pm

      Melissa,

      While it is certainly unfortunate that some women can’t conceive, that doesn’t make being pregnant any less trying for those blessed enough to be able to do so. I think it is unfair to equate being honest, with being ungrateful. Women are complex creatures, which as a Mom, I am sure you know. 🙂

      I can be thankful and miserable all at the same time. No shame in that! Just my two cents.

  • Reply
    gici
    February 6, 2016 at 8:42 am

    thank you for your honesty, i was feeling very sad, alone with such unwanted nauseas, vomiting, pain ,gas and more, until I read your blog. thank you!

  • Reply
    VIctor
    February 8, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    As a husband to an expecting wife I sympathize. With that being said………I am also terrified. As all men are, we can be dense. I just want my wife to feel that I am helping and not being a burden. Any suggestions on what would make it easier for my wife that I can do would be appreciated. To the rest of the female population, You are awesome for all that you do and endure for the sake of family.

    • Reply
      Minismama
      February 8, 2016 at 2:56 pm

      Thank you Victor. My advice…just do what she says. Even if it means going to get cheeseburgers at 1am. Congratulations 🙂

  • Reply
    Lucie
    March 15, 2016 at 11:01 pm

    Reading this and sniggering away at 3am, unale to sleep (again) and I’m only 13 weeks (surely sleep deprivation should come later?!!) Whilst I haven’t had morning sickness, the bit about farting is sooo true! I’ve been looking for something just like this – pregnancy hormones have turned me into the most sarcastic b#£ch, with the ability to offend and not give a damn about the carnage I am creating because “I’m pregnant, I’m crazy, deal with it” attitude is prevailing! This is the only article on the whole web that tells it like it is and yet still the ‘pregnancy is amazing, I only gained half an ounce” have come here to gloat when they are already filling up the rest of the web with stuff that makes any hormonal pregnant woman feel wholy inadequate!! Thank you so much for sharing!

  • Reply
    PreggersinTn
    July 6, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    This.was.amazing!! I laughed so hard at the awesome candidness of this post. I am currently 7 weeks pregnant and experiencing an horrendous cocktail of symptoms, including those you mentioned. Throw in itchy boobs and sinus flares that I can’t treat because they are Category C drugs (just learned what that meant today), and you have my current situation.

    My mother, having bore 4 children in quiet dignity like a Spartan (or so she tells me), just looks at me sadly and says, this is only the beginning. So nice to find a real post about pregnancy and how it is not all gumdrops and lollipops. Nice to read where someone says, “You know what? It sucks sometimes.”

  • Reply
    Taka
    August 21, 2016 at 4:17 pm

    Hilarious!!!
    True for me. At 35 weeks now and getting excited to meet my little girl. It been a difficult and stressful journey with lots of medical complications. I’m grateful for reaching 35 hoping to get to 37.
    Thanks Nikki

  • Reply
    Cristina
    September 11, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    You are aware that there is 10 months in pregnancy correct? I have no idea why mothers say 9 months. It’s 40 weeks!!! If you do go into natural labor at 36 weeks then you are INCREDIBLY lucky. It is 40 weeks. So, 10 months of pregnancy total.

  • Reply
    Mom’s Play-by-Play of the Horrifying Miracle That is Pregnancy Is So Hysterical It Hurts!! « Fribliss
    September 23, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    […] **This post appeared originally on Mini’s Mama blog. […]

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