How freaking hard it is to have 2 children? Ok, ok. In your defense, I’m sure you forgot. I’m sure you forgot waking up for the nighttime feeding at 5:30 and cringing when your toddler calls your name at 7:15. When you just barely closed your eyes again. I’m sure you forgot how many times a day your toddler would hug your precious infant baby. To death. Or at least until you run screaming from the kitchen. Do you remember how bad you felt when you didn’t have the time to give either child 100%?? I remember. Every second of every day. Joey is 3 weeks old. The days have been a blur. A blur of feedings, art projects, bathtimes, and diaper changes. Juggling a toddler and an infant is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can’t help but feel guilty that Mini has less of my attention now. Guilty that Joey will never have the total attention that Mini had as an infant. It just isn’t possible. I try so hard to have alone time with both children. To plan activities for Mini while Joey sleeps, and to have special quiet time with Joey after Mini goes to bed. But naturally, Joey screams while Mini tries to plant her strawberry plants that we were excited about. And Mini will not go to bed on time so that I can spend any precious moments with Joey. It is a struggle. It is tough. And quite frankly it sucks. I am torn between this too shall pass, and I want to soak up every precious moment. Even the 3 am wake ups, when I stumble into Joey’s room, murmering that there is no way he can be hungry, I try to remind myself to enjoy the moment. Because I know I am about to blink, and be at his college graduation. And then I cry. Because I am a goddamn emotional basketcase who just can’t help it.
So that’s what I have been up to. Surviving. Period. Getting through each and every day. Keeping the kids fed and alive. Trying to keep them happy. I’m doing a decent job I think. And if I’m not, I pray they forget. In the meantime I am trying to enjoy every second. When I can let go of the stress and emotion weighing me down. I am trying to take in every sweet smile, burp, coo and not cringe every time big sister Mini towards Joey for a hug. I just wish someone would have warned me. Warned me about how torn and outnumbered I would feel. It’s ok though, I forgive you. You probably just forgot.