Today is the day kiddo. Your first day of kindergarten. I have so much to say and lots of things to tell you but for some reason I can’t find the words. I open my mouth to speak and tears pool up in my eyes. I close my mouth and turn the other way so you don’t see me. I’m not sure why this is so hard for me.
Maybe because I’ve been anticipating this day for 5 whole years. It could be because I feel like this changes everything. You no longer get to stay home with me. Maybe it’s because I’m nervous. How will you find your class or what if you want to buy milk and forget your lunch number?
I’m scared of all those things. I’m scared your day won’t be perfect. That you’ll run into an obstacle that you haven’t faced before. Maybe you’ll get turned around going to the bathroom. End up down the wrong hall. I won’t be there to show you the way. My hand isn’t going to reach out to yours and show you the right path. And that terrifies me.
This marks a big milestone in our lives. I have to give up the role of mama duck for a big part of the day. Pass the mama duck role on to your new teacher who will help you navigate this new beginning. She will be there to help you find your way and make sure you get milk with your lunch. And I know you will just adore her just as you did your preschool teachers.
Dropping you off today was rough, I’m not going to lie.
I watched daddy hold your hand and walk you through the parking lot. I trailed behind with your brother and stared at all the kids walking the halls. Shiny new sneakers and backpacks that looked bigger then their bodies. And then I saw you. Walking a few feet ahead with your Barbie backpack and big white bow. Suddenly you looked so small and the hallway looked so big. Before I knew it the tears were streaming down my face. Daddy looked back and saw me and walked you quickly ahead of me so you wouldn’t see me and get upset. But the tears wouldn’t slow down. I reached down and grabbed Joey to pick him up. To distract myself. It worked but barely. The floodgates had been opened.
I had held these tears back for weeks now. They tried to escape when I met your teacher, and again when we went to pick out your supplies. And last night when we put you to bed and sprinkled the confetti around your pillows, they wanted to come out then too. But I held it all together until today.
By the time we got to the classroom door I managed to slow the tears down. You got so excited to empty your backpack and hang it on the hook. You found your seat and sat right down to color. I knew right then you would be just fine. You looked at me with those big, brown eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. Your tiny body fits perfectly in that chair and you grabbed the crayon like you had sat in that seat a hundred times before.
You are ready sweet girl. You might get turned around one day. Chances are you will forget your lunch number. But you will be ok.
So while this day marks a new chapter in both of our lives I will try to focus on enjoying it. No more tears, because seriously how embarrassing. You know daddy isn’t going to let me forget about that hallway incident any time soon.
Go on my big girl. Be great. Be smart. Be exactly who you were made to be. I am so proud of you and cannot wait to pick you up and hear all about it.
Love always, Mama